Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 69 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Irish Wisdom...

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    Email from friend

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  3. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 69 years old Valued Senior Member

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    At the end of a premium horse race the winner was auctioned

    When Paddy found out he had won he drove out to the stud farm to pick up his horse

    The old owner took Paddy to the stall where the horse lay dead

    Paddy said he wanted his money back but was told it had been spent

    So the horse was loaded up and Paddy drove home. On the way he was thinking about what he could do

    Next day he placed a ad for a new raffle this time horse plus trailer

    Raffle drawn and winner turned up to Paddy and Paddy took him to the dead horse in the trailer

    Seeing the dead horse winner demanded his money back

    Paddy a true gentleman gave the winner his money back and then showed real heart by saying the winner could take the trailer for the small task of disposing of the horse

    Paddy shouted drinks all-round that evening

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  5. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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  7. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    In Praise of Universal Medicare (?)

    "When I came to this country, I was so weak I couldn't even sit up. I couldn't feed myself; I couldn't eat solid food at all. I couldn't speak a word."

    "How long have you been here?"

    "I was born here."
     
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  8. wegs Matter & Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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  9. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    ...and the Donkey looks him straight in the eyes and without missing a beat says, "Purple hat!"
     
  10. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 69 years old Valued Senior Member

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    ALABAMA LITERARY TEST
    By Art Buchwald

    Getting to vote in Bull Whip, Alabama, isn’t as easy as one would think. First, you have to sneak around a mounted sheriff’s posse, then fight your way through a cloud of state police tear gas, and then you have to leap over a hundred cattle prods. And finally, if you still want to vote in Bull Whip, you have to register, and the registration office in the courthouse is open only from 11:55 p.m to midnight on every sixth Saturday of the month.
    The problem is that, although the registration office is open, the courthouse is closed, and it’s kind of hard to get into the building.
    Even so, Mr. George Abernathy, an [African-American], manages, much to the surprise of the registrar, to get in and asks to register to vote.
    “Fine, George, fine. Ah’d be glad to register you as soon as you answer a few of these here questions,” the registrar says. “Now, first off, what is your educational background?”
    “I was a Rhodes scholar, I received a B.A. from Columbia, a masters from Harvard, and a Ph.D. from MIT.”
    “That’s just fine, George. Now let me ask you this. Can you read an’ write?”
    “I’ve written three books, on cybernetics, Christian philosophy, and advanced political theory.”
    “Ah’d appreciate it if you didn’t use such big words, George. If there’s anything Ah hate it’s an uppity voter.”
    Abernathy says, “I believe I have a right to register.”
    “Yes, you do, George, but I have to give you this here literacy test ‘cause we cain’t have ignoramuses voting for our great Governor, George Wallace, if you know what Ah mean. Now, first off, would you please read somethin’ from this here newspaper?”
    “It’s in Chinese.”
    “That’s right.”
    Abernathy reads three stories from the Chinese paper. The registrar is thrown, but he doesn’t want to show it.
    “All right, now will you read the hieroglyphics off this here Rosetta Stone?” he says.
    Mr. Abernathy reads the hieroglyphics and the registrar begins to get nervous.
    “George, here is the constitution of Finland, in Finnish. Would you please interpret the first 14 articles for me?”
    “What has that got to do with voting in Alabama?”
    “We got to keep out agitators and the like. Now, you going to take the test or not?”
    Mr. Abernathy interprets the 14 articles and the registrar becomes truly frightened. He telephones the Governor’s office and reports what is happening. An aide comes back in a few minutes and says, “The Governor says to give him Part 4 of the test.”
    The registrar goes to his safe and takes out a clay jar. “George, there’s only one more thing you’re obligated to do for this here literacy test. Would you be so kind to read for me any two of these Dead Sea Scrolls?”
    Mr. Abernathy reads the first one but stumbles on a word in the second one.
    “Ah’m sorry, George. You’ve failed the literacy test, but you can come back next year and try again.”
    As Abernathy leaves the office, a white Alabaman comes in to register to vote.
    The registrar says to him, “Would you please spell cat for me?”
    The white voter says, “K-A-T.”
    “Try it again. You’re getting warm.”

    Bob Metcalfe

    https://www.quora.com/How-could-Jim...iterate-whites-who-had-no-trouble-registering

    100% cut / paste

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  11. sculptor Valued Senior Member

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    The Pail Rider
    or
    Diarrhea before plumbing
     
  12. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    Very good Michael345.

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  13. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    I'm upset. I've just found out my wife's been lying to me. Every morning when I wake, she says she's going to leave me, and when I come home in the evening she's still there.
     
  14. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    A man walks up to a Jew at a bus-stop and asks, "What time's the bus due?"
     
  15. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    Duncan Doughnuts.
    Herby Dumpling.
    Pamela and 'er Son.
     

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